A lot of us have or still deal with body dysmorphia and might not know or call it something else, especially as a black woman you deal with it from many different sources in our communities. I know guys deal with this too and truly hope this helps them in some way.
Body dysmorphia, also called body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), is a mental health disorder that leads to distress over your appearance.
My first personal memory of body dysmorphia is quite recent or let me say a recent situation trigger older memories as well. I was around 12 or 13, a tomboy on the cusp of teenage adolescence and very skinny, I remember not understanding how I feel about having boobs grow from literally out of my chest. These were the actual words and thoughts going through my head at the time. Then I learned that it was called “body checking.” Although it brought me a lot of anxiety and discomfort, I just couldn’t stop doing it. I didn’t realize it then. Nevertheless, body dysmorphia can sometimes be uncontrollable and real…
It can also be manifested by constantly checking the mirror, thinking about weight loss (even if you are in shape), fixing physical flaws with styling and makeup, hiding certain body parts or trying to control your appearance at all costs, and comparing yourself to others.
As I got older things changed from “You’re so skinny, you need to eat more, mamonoto”, to “OMG! What are you eating in Gauteng? You must be so happy, look at you!” So literally anyone can deal with body dysmorphia and I’m here so we can all heal and deal with it together.
Dealing with body dysmorphia can be exhausting, frustrating, and isolating. I’ve had moments where I’d be going through these symptoms for months and only realize it on month 3 or 4, I’ve had times when I felt so big, unlovable, and—it makes me sad to say it—disgusting that I couldn’t leave the house because my those would fit the way that made me feel sexy. I’d cancel on my friends and family and would even have a hard time taking work meetings, thank God for remote working!
As I was getting ready for dinner one evening, I couldn’t get my hair done the way I wanted. I got so triggered that I burst into tears, panicked, and thought that I looked so ugly that nobody would want to see me. me. Thankfully, being Aquarius Sun, Leo Moon, and Scorpio Rising, I just couldn’t let myself cower, I talked myself out of that moment when my view of myself was so negative and distorted. I went out and had an amazing time, and people’s compliments made all the difference. Came back home and tried to do something about it.
It’s funny how body dysmorphia can actually make you understand which body type works for you and what you want to look like. Silver lining!
I wanted to share this because I still go through body dysmorphia and deal with outside opinions that I need to clear out every so often.